Escape the confines of your pocket universe! Friendship and community are important for AS/HFA women.

I have to admit from the start, that developing friendships and building a sense of community are two things that I have found difficult throughout my life. What comes easily to others has been a repeat source of heartbreak for me. Even as an adult, I still often feel like the little girl who no one would pick for their kickball team. In a post a few days ago, I went into detail about how agonizing it was for me just to get another adult to carry on a casual conversation with me at my Son’s bus stop, here.  I know I am not alone in this sentiment- here’s a post from another blogger who expresses the frustration and anger that can coincide with it all:  ISOLATION, LONELINESS, AND THE ANGRY ASPIE? AN OPEN LETTER TO THE WORLD AND MY READERS

It’s frustrating when you sincerely want to make friends and spend time with another person, but for whatever reason, it just doesn’t happen. Despite your best attempts and honest intentions. Not only are you unsuccessful, but people in your life who don’t understand you will find this to be something that they shove in your face at the most inopportune times. I’ve unfortunately had people in my life who tried to make me feel that I was a bad person because I had trouble making and maintaining friendships with others. It didn’t matter what the circumstances were, or what events transpired- I was flawed. There was “something wrong” with me. “How I perceived the world” just wasn’t right. 

Rather than actually try to help, I found those who should have loved me unconditionally, placing very distinct conditions on their feelings for me. It was easier for them to say hurtful things than to actually offer any loving assistance that might have, you know, HELPED. My Mother once said to me, “I know lots of single mothers and none of them have any trouble getting stuff done and handling things. What is wrong with you?” My reaction to this wasn’t trying to find out what these wonder women did differently than me. My reaction as a friend-starved single mother was this: “Why have you never introduced me to any of them, maybe we could have been friends!”

Women with AS/HFA are a unique lot. In a world where NT women are more likely than not, living their lives encircled by their peer groups, special interest groups, work groups and family groups, the female aspie will typically be the odd woman out. While holidays are often a source of consternation for the AS/HFA woman, I can tell you, after spending the last two years alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, that it hurts. It hurts to know that your own family is embarrassed by you and doesn’t care. It hurts to know that you’re living in a neighborhood with thousands of people all celebrating together in their homes, and you’re alone. Not one to feel sorry for myself, I’ve started going hiking on major holidays. I refuse to sit in the house and feel sorry for myself! On Thanksgiving two years ago, my Son and I built a firepit outside and cooked our dinner on it, then did some stargazing.

“Out of the frying pan and into the fire”, an old adage that I’ve always connected with for some reason. Maybe because on a daily basis I felt like I didn’t have the safety of being “in the frying pan”. My daily experiences always involved getting too close to the fire, touching it even, and often getting burned. Fighting constantly to exist alongside other people, never giving up, being dulled and beaten down by depression but not letting it take me hostage. Feeling scared to go new places, because you know, PEOPLE. And it can get to be a really isolated little pocket universe that we live in. Which works out just fine for the most part, but I cannot stress enough the importance of there being a support network, even a small one. And I regret that is something that I just don’t have. And it scares me.

I’m not writing this from the perspective of a female aspie who has accomplished this feat. I’m writing this as a female aspie who is trying hard to develop this sort of thing. Most days I feel like I will probably find the elusive and magical unicorn before I find myself surrounded by people whom I feel safe and loved by. So this is most definitely a work in progress. I don’t claim to have the answers, but I do have some ideas that I am going to try out. I know what doesn’t work, that’s for sure. I’m writing this because one of the things that works well to motivate me in life is when I declare something in a public space. It makes my intention to do it become a living, breathing idea that I can no longer turn my back on. A good example of this is my public declaration to hike the Foothills Trail this year. I now have to do it.

I’m moving soon. Right now, I am two years into living in a very congested suburban area near the small city of Greenville, SC. I love Greenville, most of the time. And moving here was one of the best decisions I’ve made. It has opened my life up to numerous new opportunities and I’ve learned alot about myself. But it’s not ideal for me, and I’ve learned the hard way that sheltering in place doesn’t work out so well for me. So onward and upward! I have stuff to accomplish! I like to get caught up in reverie. That place in my brain that is my equivalent of my childhood tree fort. In popular culture, I’ve seen this same theme in the paralyzing imagination of characters like Walter Mitty, and the mind palace of Sherlock Holmes. In my “mind palace” I picture myself living off grid in the mountains, on a nice tract of land, with a little cabin or maybe a yurt. My organic garden, maybe a greenhouse. Chickens and goats, and lots of rescue dogs. Hiking constantly, and a large pile of books to get lost in. Sounds quaint, doesn’t it?

That’s all well and good, but the thing that it is missing are friends. And community. Here are some of the things I am going to be working on in order to branch out into my new world.

1. I joined the Foothills Trail Conference. This is a group that does trail maintenance and various other events related to hiking, camping and the outdoors. I think I have a good chance of speaking with other humans that like to do the things that I do.

2. Volunteer at the humane society. I love animals, especially dogs. I have two rescue dogs. I tried to volunteer at the humane society, about 15 years ago. It made me really sad, and I cried the whole way home. I want to try again, and the house I’m moving to is only a few miles from the humane society. Fingers crossed!

I will also be looking into using Meetup as there are groups on there relating to hiking/backpacking, astronomy, and also AS/HFA that have small groups that regularly get together. While the thought of just showing up at a group of new people makes me feel considerably stressed, I can’t continue this journey of discovery alone. You simply have to have other kind humans in your life. It doesn’t need to be family. The only family I have is my Sister, whom I didn’t even know I had until I was in my mid-twenties, and whom I have only met once for about five minutes! (That’s another story altogether). It can be scary going from day to day in a world where you have online friends, but no real friends that you can call and commune with. This is quite possibly one of the most difficult challenges that I have. I often find myself wondering, “What happens if I get hurt, who will watch my Son?” and things of that ilk. It’s a scary world out there, but you can’t go it alone.

This is a picture of me last Christmas. My goal for next year is for my holiday to involve other humans! What do you do to meet new people, or to venture outside of the safety of your own mind palace?